The Handicappable

As I walk through the dark and dreary hallway of life, I notice a few things;

1.) Everyone and their half-retarded cousin is talking/texting on a cell phone constantly,

2.) Some people have impeccable oral hygiene, and

3.) The Handicappable!!!!!

Now the definition of handicappable according to the ED CHRISTY NEW WORLD COLLIGATE POLITICALLY INCORRECT DICTIONARY is as follows:

Hand-i-capp-ab-le

Adjective: i) Falsely representing a condition that seemingly restricts one’s ability to function physically, mentally, or socially.

Such examples of handicappable people include:

- The 42-year-old gas station attendant in the cut-off jean shorts that constantly uses his infirm mothers car (with whom he still lives) to take advantage of the handicapped sticker.

Clearly, walking that extra 20 feet into the local video barn to pick up his nightly masturbatory aid wastes needed calories he uses in his never ending quest to rule the World of Warcraft.

- The really annoying drunk chick that has clearly imbibed too many O’Douls.

- People who conveniently get a 24 hr. flu bug to…

a.) Postpone a presentation they knew about a month in advance,

or

b.) Help a fellow conspirator obtain a goal that he/she/it desires.

I use this term very loosely in my day-to-day life and plan on rectifying the grave misrepresentative use of the word immediately; I hope you shall do the same. Please feel free to add to the examples of handicappable people at any time. Your input is greatly appreciated.

Ed Christy

Inspiration Blog

While eating lunch with fellow bloggers Bob and Ed, the back of a navy blue t-shirt caught my attention. It had the following phrase in big, bold stand-out letters:

NO TIME-OUTS

NO SUBSTITUTIONS

Needless to say, I was intimidated. I made a point to see what all this intensity was about, so I peeked around to see the front of the shirt, to find out it was for Notre Dame Swimming.

Those four dudes in the back are living the dream.

Now, when I think intense competition, no subs, and no time-outs, swimming is not on my list.

Survey Says: No Way.

Don't get me wrong, I think swimmers are very talented athletes, and train just as hard as any other sport to achieve success. This brings me to my larger point, underrated sports. It seems as though lately ESPN has been covering the big four...Baseball, Basketball, Football, and more Basketball. I miss the golden days when hockey was a part of that big four. Those were simpler times, gas was under $1.50 a gallon, stamps were 35 cents, and I still thought wrestling was real.

This shit's real....BROTHER!

A blog that I frequent is ThePensBlog (thepensblog.blogspot.com). They discuss hockey, specifically the Pittsburgh Penguins. A few months ago they did a comparison as to how much actual playing time occurs in a game of football compared to a game of hockey, the two contact sports of the "big four". In a given game of football, lets say the offense is on the field for 30 minutes. That 30 minutes is mostly comprised of dead time after the play is over. If you generously spot each play 7-8 seconds, they really only have about 5-6 minutes of actual physical activity per game. Meanwhile, on the ice, players regularly play 20-25 minutes a game.

Selloutblog

And don't even get me started on overpaidblog (baseball) or overratedblog (basketball). Why don't people appreciate hockey as much as they should? Of the big four, they are by far the hardest worked, and the lowest paid. If there was only a happy place where hockey ruled all, and each sportscenter would start with 30 minutes of hockey.....

I understand they call it sportscentRE.

Final Thoughts: Watch hockey, at any level. Don't watch basketball, unless it's at or below the collegiate level, and even that is marginal at best. And to make good with my swimming friends, go to a swim meet or two, you might find yourself a single seaman (or woman).

Pete and Repeat (A word from your fire breathing bear)

Sorry about the late post folks didn’t have the internet here for a few days. Anybody out there have a friend or know a friend of a friend who finds it necessary to constantly remind you of a story or a certain fact (i.e. that they couldn’t see south park or that football game last night because they don’t have cable). Honestly, who doesn’t have cable in this day and age especially if you have a huge fly ass HDTV. I mean what could possibly be occupying your time that you can’t splurge for the cable to see the big game. I mean stop ordering german porn on the internet and get your life together your dick is gonna fall off donny. You see what happens Donny when you tell a story more than once!!!!!

I guess all I am trying to say here is that I miss my friend. Just like the “Dude” wanted restitution for his ruined rug all I want is my friend back. Drop the German porn additiction and come watch the game.

Love (Tri)Angle

The primary definition of a triangle, according to answers.com is the following:

1. (a) The plane figure formed by connecting three points not in a straight line by straight line segments; a three-sided polygon.

Duh. If you scroll down to the fourth definition, you find this:

4. A relationship involving three people, especially a ménage à trois.
For those of you who aren't up to snuff on your francaise, our resident French translator will explain:

Pepe: It's literal translation is household of three. Bwah filthy American.

Over the past few months here at WRKB in Rochester, the authors of this blog have been witness to a developing situation.

Wolf: Did somebody say situation? I'm on it.

Easy Wolf, we got it covered. Heres the long and short of it. Two guys, a girl, and a bratwurst place. Two male individuals have been pining over the affection of a female individual. Over the course of the past few months, certain lady has been "using" both men to her advantage, fighting her battles, buying her lunches, paying her rent, etc, etc. As an outsider, this is nothing new to observe, its almost like an old-school Nickelodeon high school drama.

The most unfortunate outcome of the whole ordeal has been the loss of manhood. Both of these gentlemen (miss you Danny) have become gentleladies recently. I know what your asking...mass balance dictates that two manhoods lost means two manhoods went somewhere. You're right.

He needs the extra testosterone to heal faster.

The resultant boys have become pussy-whipped slaves. Heres the shit-kicker of it all. We're pretty sure neither of them is getting any, which is an absolute abomination of all things good or evil. Understandably, any guy deserves a little action here or there. But the only action they're getting is from old righty (or lefty).

John Ritter never had to use his hand. Is Joyce Dewitt still alive?

Final thoughts: When is enough enough? I can understand whoring yourself out with the intentions of getting some action for maybe a month tops. If you don't get any after 30 days, it's not worth it. Trust me, I've been living with a girl for 9 months, and I haven't got jack yet.

Inbreeding Overseas

Do you ever wonder why the United States gets a bad wrap everywhere in the world?

It is not our politics and/or economic bullying, it is our opposition to inbreeding that the rest of the world hates. Granted, it does occur within our own borders from time to time, but those individuals are shunned from society and end up in Texas. The rest of the world thinks nothing of brothers and sisters engaging in relations to maintain silly blood lines (I'm looking at you England!!!, a.k.a. Simon Cowell). Now everyone enjoys a little coitus now and then, but you can at least try and practice exogamy at all costs. Do it the way we americans do it, get some girl drunk and slip out of her bedroom before she wakes up!! It is that simple. If your motto is, 'incest is best' then I would rework your personal philosophy. Just think of it this way; if you happen to slip one past the goalie you don't want your offspring coming out with a tail, an eleventh finger, and looking like Gerard Depardieu and Angela Lansbury (Murder She Wrote, not Bedknobs and Broomsticks) had a child.

Remember - I didn't offend you. You let yourself be offended!!!

Ed Christy

It's my pleasure to introduce today's speaker...

We've all read blogs. They cover Aardvarks to Zippers and everywhere in between. Few and far between, however, is a blog of this type. I, shall I say we, three somewhat degenerate drones working slave hours for slave wages have decided to publish our daily thoughts and observances. May I introduce you to our panel:

Name: Bob Ridgewood
Age: 24

Enjoys: Asian Cuisine, Terrorizing Cats, and the NHL

Dislikes: Hoseljobbers, Hairy Backs, and making Grignards

Name: Paul Magnolia

Age: 23

Enjoys: Gambling, the NHL, and his 5-wood

Dislikes: Distillations, pocket Jacks, and too many men minors

Name: Ed Christy
Age: 26

Enjoys: Caramelattos, Long walks on the beach, x-out Molitors

Dislikes: He likes it all.